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Extracts from

Soaring with Spirit:

Towards the Healing of Body and Soul

by Kathy Brown

"Over the past 6 years, I have worked hard on trying to understand why I became ill and what I needed to do to regain my health. In an effort to understand, I wrote. Initially it was poems then came the story to tie them together. Eventually all these words became a small book."

Facing our Fears
Poems: Emotions the light and the dark;   The Grief .

Healing and Balance - Through Love and Caring
Poem: The Wise Healing Woman.

ABOUT THE BOOK

Facing Our Fears

Illness can totally change your life. Until we are faced with it, not one of us could ever begin to understand the impact that illness has not only one's own life, but also on those people who love and support us. Change, I have read is an opportunity for growth, a new path - and it can be exciting, if it is the type of change that you are looking forward to. Change because of an illness can throw one's life into absolute turmoil. And it can be extremely scary. You find yourself in a place that you have never been before. Nothing is familiar and you feel like you are totally losing control of your life. A friend sent me a poem -"An Autobiography in Five Chapters" and chapter one reads:

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.   (1)

How true! The hole you find yourself is so very deep and you don't understand why you are there. You do feel lost and helpless and it does take forever to find a way out. How do you find your way out? I guess it's an individual thing - some will find a way and others may never find their way out. I wanted desperately to get out of the hole I found myself in and after trying unsuccessfully many, many times, I decided that I needed to explore why I had become ill in the first place. What was it about me and the way I had lived my life that had led to me ending up in this hole?

I found myself writing about my emotions - first in poetry form and later dissecting these in an attempt to understand more fully who I was. The nights were often the time when the myriad of emotions were felt and explored. The time when there was no distraction for the pain - both physical and emotional. It was on one such night that I wrote 'Emotions - the Light and the Dark' and had the opportunity to tease out some of the emotions I seemed so determined to hide from everyone, including me.

EMOTIONS - THE LIGHT AND THE DARK

Oh! the emotions that I have explored.
It's been like opening an unknown door -
tears of anger, tears of rage, tears of love, tears of pain.
Feelings of helplessness - hopelessness, emptiness...
A real desire to start again.

The watching of dreams so longed for fly by.
The hopes and the cares once a part of me - die.
A striving to see why it's all meant to be …. a learning - a new move?
Oh why do I care -
Whatever the meaning the frustration's still there.

There's love that's been shown, and care and concern.
It's daunting and assuring that I've so many to turn
in the time that's required for my body and soul
to come to terms now with changes so bold.
But it seems so hard, so demanding, so vast,
Can I do it? Can I bear it?
Will this nightmare last?

The fears are so deep and the despair so unknown -
And the possibilities endless if one's game to be shown.
What's passing? What's lost? What's to be gained in this time?
What's the reason - the lesson - my ultimate fine?

It's the future of unknown that's the hardest to bear
It's scary and lonely it's like being - out there......
alone and afraid in the dark and the deep
fighting the demons and keeping one's peace.
Searching and searching for just a flicker of light
trying to convince self it will become a bright sight.

With future and options and changes for sure
a chance to develop and a chance to explore.
Living with vibrancy, with health and with hope
A feeling of strength, and ability to cope.
To further one's skills and talents and knowing
achieving success with all parts just flowing.

The feelings are many and varied and scary
and I think of the love that's given so dearly
and know I've support to visit them clearly
To stop and explore and leave them to be
-then continue my life, and the exploring of me.
The me that I've been and the me I will be -
-stronger by far for these feelings that be.
They visit me now to strengthen my cause -
to teach me the lessons and allow me to pause.
My dreams to be new dreams, my future to change
a growth - new beginning - a new turn of the page.

Reading this again, I am intrigued by the changeability of my moods/emotions and how quickly they changed. Looking back I remember moving from intense fear to a sense of confidence that even allowed me, at times, to see some positive aspects of my illness. The space between the feelings of despair and fear were so close to that of acceptance, peace and love. I have observed myself moving from a feeling of peace to one of despair in the space of a day, even hours. I could find myself at peace on my most painful days and in the depths of fear on days that were physically not as taxing.

It took months for me to acknowledge to myself that I was angry. I was angry that I had been stopped. I was angry that it hurt so much and there seemed little let up in the pain. I was angry because I couldn't do what I wanted to do and at times angry because I didn't want to do anything. I was angry because everyone else seemed to have the perfect solution for my healing and seemed to know so much more about my body and my state of mind than I presumably did. I was angry because I felt both smothered and not supported. But more, I was angry with myself and frightened deep down that it was actually me who caused this disaster, with my absolute determination to do, no matter the cost to me. There were times when the anger I felt threatened to consume me. It shocked me and frightened me.

I had always been proud of the fact that I was not an angry person. Was this really the case? Was I a superb actor able to mask these feelings even from myself, while I continued to believe that very little really angered or upset me? The more I became aware of my anger the more angry I began to feel about a range of issues and with a range of people, including myself -for allowing this disaster to occur to me. I now saw that what I had thought was an ability of mine to synthesize what was happening, without holding on to anger, was really my unwillingness to speak out for myself. All this anxiety once again highlighted what was really a deeply buried, constant fear of rejection. The anger was deep down and would surface like a volcanic eruption within me. I had to work very hard at 'controlling' my thoughts and my tongue. I wanted to scream out - to demand justice (whatever that was)! My fear was that once I started, I would have absolutely no control over what I might say. I feared that this might not only hurt people I cared for and my relationships with them, it might also change me forever. Change me to what? I seemed to have so little control over anything during this period that it seemed really important for me to stop and look at this issue before I removed any bridges. There were days when I hardly knew who I was any more - where I fitted, why I was still here!

My fear of who I was and what I had become was so great at times, that it would induce further fears related to the possibility of never getting well again. I was frightened that if I was not able to become as physically active as I once was, that I would no longer be worthy of the relationships, that were so important in my life. I was terrified of having no control over the situation or the direction of my life! I was terrified of being dependent on others. I had been in control and supported others for such a long time. I had always been able to give the impression of confidence and strength. I had always believed that if I was determined enough, I could achieve -anything! Slowly it began to dawn on me that I was feeling a deep sense of emptiness - I felt alone and frightened and felt that I had no power. I was so frightened of talking to those around me about my fears, for fear that they wouldn't be acknowledged, or wouldn't be seen as important enough, or were undeserving of discussion and might even be rejected by those I loved. I was so unsure of what that might mean and how I might react, that I was unwilling to even attempt to talk about these fears. I felt so frightened about taking this first step and stating my needs. The fear was simply amazing. I was dazed by the enormity of it all and shocked by the intensity of my feelings.

Here I was, a capable, intelligent and competent woman feeling like a frightened child, not knowing where to start or what to say! It seemed to me, that no amount of determination was going to change my current situation to one I had pictured in my mind. The one and only picture I had in my mind, of a woman in full control of her physical and emotional self, striving to be....... to be...... well, I don't really know! Not frightened? Not in pain? These were some of my darkest days. I began to see the impact that my thoughts and beliefs had on my balance. I began to slowly understand the impact I had on others, and more importantly, on myself and my health. This writing helped me to see how frightened I have always been. How fearful of negativity I was and how I built enormous walls around myself to keep me 'safe', from what I am not yet certain.

Over many, many months, I visited many emotions. It was a very frustrating time. There were times when I felt calm and assured that all would be well, no matter my physical state. At these times I felt confident that I was on my path of learning - that all this was happening for a reason and in due time I would find out where the pieces fitted together. It was like I was up high looking down on a tapestry of my life, all that I was going through had meaning and I had a real sense that all would work out for the best. There were other times when I felt total despair. I would become so frightened. Frightened that the pain wouldn't stop, frightened that I was losing control, frightened that all I had worked for and achieved was to be lost, frightened that I would be lost.

Months of treatment and extensive pain did not 'fix' the problem and twelve months later, I still had not returned to work! I was so very distressed - for once, so it seemed, I had absolutely no control over the situation. At this stage I began to explore the possibility that perhaps my body was just a little more important than my work. Perhaps, I mused, my life is not my work, what an amazing idea to ponder! It was a concept that I really struggled with and initially with little success. I also began to worry about the future. At times it seemed to me, there was very little possibility of a future - a future as I had viewed it for many years anyway. I worried about what I could do with my life that would be of value. I worried that I would be cast aside. My opportunities to venture into the real world were limited. The pain and my reduced mobility meant that most of my days were spent at home, just coping. I was then faced with the reality that I would not go back to work. What trauma that was for me. So many tears, so much heartbreak. So many dreams that could not be fulfilled. How on earth would I cope - both physically and emotionally? The anguish was enormous. To be able to move on, even just a little, was only possible when I began to acknowledge my grief - to actually speak the word and tease out what that meant for me. It was a very painful time and over days and weeks 'The Grief' began to take shape and I was able to catch a glimpse of a possible future.

THE GRIEF

Well it's done! The final part's been put into place
nothing to do now, nothing, but wait.
Wait and explore what's past, and what could have been.
Then look to the future and find a new scene.

The emotions that challenge now are amazing
their intensity and scope just leave my heart aching.
I feel battered and torn, excited and worn -
There is a sense of spirit and deep love,
and a sense of excitement as I face a new dawn.

There's sadness and tears that threaten to drown -
what was, what could have been,
and those things left undone.
The people, the effort, the dreams now all gone.
I cry for them all and I cry for the sun
to warm my poor heart, my body, my soul
please don't let me break, please let me feel whole.

Then there's relief - that it's now out in the open
no more charade, just the chance to have spoken
to friends and to colleagues of how it is now
and a plea that the pressure will fade and allow
me the chance to address the how, when and why
to heal as I need and maybe to fly
away from demands, expectations and anger
to be what or who, I now need to be.

Then there's the anger and at times it's full force,
threatening to explode like a volcano on course
spewing the anger and the resentment out
screaming and rending - what was it about?
It's of times gone by when injustice and might
was served on a soul not prepared for this fight.
There's the injustice of now and this terrible price,
plans unfulfilled and my dreams......
they're just gone - there's just .... space...
and there's injustice of being forgotten by some
to become a mere number, unimportant,
such ease to replace.
There's fear, called anxiety about what's there to hope.
What will it look like - and how will I cope?
There's fear that it's lost - my future, my life,
There's fear I'll be tossed on the garbage dump site.

The numbness is there, it's like an impossible dream.
It's like being in slow motion -
I'm standing and watching
and I can't even scream.
It's passing me by like an ancient news-reel
I feel unconnected -
"Please, say it's not real!"
My life that I've known is slipping me by
and I'm frightened and angry -
and just want to cry.

Then I think of the person I've become in these years
The times that I've fought and won my ideals.
There's talent and guts and strength in this woman
she's shown she can do
what she sets her heart to.
There's also the fear at what just might be.
A new life, a new start, some new dreams?
We'll see.
Oh, the emotions that run inside of me!

I fought the heartache for weeks until I came to the realisation that I would never get well until my only dream was 'my wellness'. I would have to change my life focus to 'health for Kathy'. I cannot even begin to explain the sadness and sense of loss that I felt as I agreed to resign. I felt so empty and so very, very frightened.

My story is a journey that moves through pain and despair to a position of understanding. With this understanding came the possibility of renewed health, a surprising outcome of renewed spirituality and just a glimpse of a possible vision for my future. There were some dark days and many fears that for the first time were not only recognised but with this recognition came a determination to work through and understand the implications of these fears. My story visits both highs and lows and embraces the opportunity to learn and move into a healthier future with a life-style that is more honest, more congruent and more caring of me. There has been some amazing growth and understanding and also the recognition of strengths and skills before unknown. My illness has become a window of opportunity - one that has allowed me to find myself. Through it I have been able to celebrate all that is good in my life, work through many fears and acknowledge with love the wonderful people who love and care for me. Facing one's fears can make a difference and as the last chapter of "An Autobiography in Five Chapters" reads,

"I walk down a different street." (1)

Contents

Healing and Balance - Through Love and Caring

So many of us choose to leave the examination of our personal needs, until we have ensured the needs of others in our life have been addressed successfully. Many of us also believe that other peoples' needs are more important that ours. How can we possibly develop a balance in our life if we leave the most important person until last or worse, choose not to look at our own needs at all? I chose not to look at my needs, I continually put myself last, and I felt tired, drained and alone. Without being able to find a way to renew my energy I found that eventually it was all used up, and I was stopped.

In her book Women Who Run With the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Este (2) says that many women work flat out until they tire or their energy is exhausted. So many of us think that we can't take time off - for a myriad of reasons - our work will be lost, we will let down other members of our team - our arguments can go on and on. She assures us however, that there is always a woman there who is willing to fill in for us and keep things going until we return. She talks of women being surprised by fatigue, believing that they should be able to keep up this frenetic pace forever and that many of us believe that to loose energy and tire indicates failure or some sense of inadequacy. She advises us not to panic when we become weary, loose our focus or our drive, but to accept that we will tire, understand it with peace and take time to rest. Then, she says, women need to find their way to their internal, feminine healer. She talks about the importance of women learning to rest regularly to regain their focus. It is only in this way that a woman can recover her energy.

I always felt that I hadn't done enough, that my work, my family, my friends were missing out because I couldn't manage my time successfully. I needed to do my life better, they all deserved better - I never did manage to do it better. Pushing myself to do so meant that I ended up getting very, very sick and I had to leave my work. I was stopped completely and I have not yet healed. After five years my life is very, very different and there are many things I miss. I didn't realise at the time, that a consequence of choosing not to take time for me also meant the loss of my previous life style that I enjoyed with my family and friends. An enormous lesson and one that also effects every person that I care about.

Well, I am taking time now, and Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Este has helped me to explore my past and look at what I can do now to heal. My poem, "The Wise Healing Woman" was a result of this inspiration. During my period of healing I have been on a physical and emotional roller-coaster and at times, there seemed many more dips than crests. I have visited deep dark holes on many occasions and my writing of "The Wise Healing Woman" has given me the strength to pull myself out and begin again, many, many times. It has given me the permission I needed to simply sit and rest and heal. It has helped me to deal with my anxieties and fears and generally, to keep them in perspective.

THE WISE HEALING WOMAN

I'm rocking, rocking, rocking,
In the arms of the wise healing woman
taking time, precious time, to heal my poor body and soul.
The rocking.... rocking.... rocking.... a beat so profound -
fills my tired senses, impregnating each cell with reminders of peace and healing and calm
rocking and rocking and rocking - both body and soul.

Caring about oneself is not something that many of us have been socialised to do. It does not come easily to put oneself first and to value one's own health and needs, but if we wish to heal this is where we need to begin. When you decide to transform all thoughts, feelings and acts that are not in line with that which you desire to change, you may find yourself face to face with the materialisation of those dreams. It takes commitment and a willingness to give your self some of the time and energy we willingly give others. Achieving health, happiness and an energy balance comes down to deciding to live in a manner that is congruent with what you know is true for you. I am learning that healing needs to be a gentle process that requires self-compassion. It means that I need to be constantly aware of what my body and my spirit needs and to see my health and my well being as my first priority. My time of resting and rocking and healing is helping me to be more accepting and caring of me and therefore I believe, more accepting and caring of others. I am now determined to spread my wings and fly again one day, what ever that might look like. It's a slow process, but I now realise that this learning is an important part of becoming 'me' and it will take as long as it needs to take. How you think, feel and act reflects what you experience in your life. Take time to rock and look toward healing and balancing your life. Anything is possible if you really want it!

Contents

© Kathy Brown
reproduced by kind permission of the author

These articles are taken in part from
Soaring with Spirit - Toward the Healing of Body and Soul
by Kathy Brown.

If you would like a copy of this book, please contact the author at:
kathybr@senet.com.au
or phone 08 8396 3616(within Australia)
+61 8 8396 3616 (international calls).

The cost of the book is $AU15.00, plus postage and handling.

NOTES

(1) An Autobiography in Five Chapters:

(2) Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Este is published by Ballantine (1992).

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